Balancing Family and Ministry.
I grew up as a PK (a “Pastor’s Kid). There were many blessings that came from this kind of upbringing. I remember going on youth group trips and camps when I was younger and feeling so cool to be a part of the camp as a 10 year old. I remember having free reign of the church to run around in and the advantage of knowing more than I should and being able to meet many people just because of who my dad was. I also recall some things that were hard about being a PK. Sometimes it felt like I was under a microscope and always having to be “on” was pretty difficult. And sometimes I knew the nasty underbelly of what the church can be if she’s not healthy. But one thing that sticks out more than any other memory came at a time when my dad was interviewing to go to a new church. I was going into 6th grade. I can remember him telling me that he had told the interviewing committee that “my first ministry is my family.” He told them that to the best of his ability, he would not miss a game, recital, and if his family were to come into the room they would always get his attention… especially if urgency was felt about something.
I’ve carried that with me ever since. I am blessed to have worked at a church that takes this principle very seriously. “Balance” may be a bad word when talking about family and ministry. Maybe a better word(s) is balanced priority. If you get to the end of your worship leading career and you have sacrificed your family on the altar of your “ministry” you will have failed. On the other hand, you can’t be lazy in ministry and use your family as an excuse. Balanced priority helps us keep the main thing the main thing and helps us know how to respond to the week to week pressures of our calendar.
Managing Expectations
One of the biggest stressors on a marriage and on a family is unclear expectations of what it means to be in ministry. Full time ministry is what I call a “lifestyle job.” Yes, there are regular hours you may work, but there are also “busy seasons” and “emergency, pastoral” situations. This is a blessing and a curse. If you earn enough trust and respect in your church you likely will have flexibility. This means you *could* work 70 hours a week as the needs of ministry do not end. It also means you *could* leave work a bit early to go catch your kid’s game. Balanced priority helps us know which is the right call. Your kids won’t remember how good of a worship leader you were, but they will remember what kind of dad you were.
One very helpful thing to do is regular check-ins with your spouse. Calendar together. Have serious heart to hearts with them about the realities of the week, month, and season. If you have to work a ton one week, make it a priority to be home more the next. If you aren’t yet in ministry and are about to get married or take a full time ministry position… make sure you talk about the scheduling realities around that kind of move. Every yes and no to your time will reveal your priorities. Make sure your family is your first ministry.
Lead your family as well or better than you lead in your job
We create task lists, put meetings on our calendar, have goals for, and put a ton of effort into our ministry jobs. I think this is a good thing; however, balanced priority has moved me from managing my kids to leading and fathering them. I meet with one kid every week (we have three and I rotate them). I send them a calendar invite, and we spend an hour at a snack location of their choosing (my girls almost always pick Starbucks). We talk about whatever they want to. Seeing that “meeting” on my calendar every week has helped me to make sure I have intentional time with them as a more important meeting than any other I’ll have that week. I’ve created a reminder every day to encourage my kids in one thing. I know that sounds so clinical, but man has it upped my intentional parenting game. Pick a “sacred time” for your family to know they are the priority. For example, I make sure I am home for a majority of the dinners during the week.
Serve with your family
One thing we have done with our kids is to bring them to ministry events. We want them to see the work we do and to be involved in serving in the church one day on their own (kids min, worship, tech, etc). It also syncs up your calendar in a way where you are all serving somewhere on the same day/night. My kids grew up with a mom who is a phenomenal worship leader as well and have been on the stage next to us during rehearsals from the time they were in diapers. My wife and I have used intentional language when talking about church. If it is a weekday and I’m going to the church I have always told them, “ok, daddy is going to work.” On Sundays however, I would say, “see you guys at church tomorrow (as I am typically already there when they wake up).” One denotes the vocation and calling God has placed on my life and one tells them that we are going there to worship the risen King.
A balanced priority in how you do ministry with a family is of the utmost importance. You want your spouse and kids to love the church because you were in ministry and not hate it because of what you were called to. Above all, let the glory of Jesus be why you do both. Let your family know you want to lead and love them to the glory of God. Simultaneously, help them understand that you have a calling placed on your life to help advance the Kingdom at your church. The end game is not equal time to both, but a balanced priority of your family is your first ministry and the church is second.